Man its a weird time. Never in my life have I imagined that my country would arrive in the state where it is. Ten years ago I would have laughed at the idea of Donald Trump being president. Ten years ago, I would have laughed at the idea that our citizens would push for authoritarian policies and procedures. Ten years ago, I would have found that defending political correctness, kindness, tolerance, understanding for others is almost socially taboo. confrontational. Never would I have found the defense of truth, honesty, fact, and science be considered uncivil. Its a weird and confusing time. As I deal with my own mental disorders and illnesses and strive to make sense of self and the craziness around me, I find myself wrapped up in grave social and personal tension. This piece is exploring that tension.
Man...covid 19. Where do I even begin? It has changed the very fabric of our society and I can only hope that we are better for it. I suddenly find myself with all the time in the world being on LOA from work right now and like many, I am trying not to fall into the abyss of boredom. What a weird time! What a weird experience! With all the craziness that is out there, I am surprised to find myself somewhat calm as I think I have found a silver lining. The truth is....I needed a break from work. I needed some time to focus on me, my mental health, my well being and time to figure my shit out.
I don't know how to write a blog. That is probably apparent. I don't have the language or vocabulary to convince or change masses. All I can do, is write about what I experience. My posts will make me vulnerable. They will be incoherent ramblings strung together. They will dive deep into my brain as I make ridiculous connections that you or any logical reader may reject. That is ok. This is the beginning of a journey and I can only hope for a positive outcome.
So here I sit, 3:00 am in the morning a thousand things running through my mind, my guts turning and churning, upset that I am awake. My skin, dry and itchy, my dermatitis flared up in red angry patches above my eyes, across my face and arms. My body hurts, anxious to get outside and do something, but more importantly telling my brain that it is still here connected and a part of me. As my situation with work has changed from a temporary layoff of 30 days to an extended period of 90 days my anxiety is amped up and my depersonalization disorder comes bearing down on me. I tell myself that this will pass. That I will be ok. One day at a time. Covid 19 has been weird for everybody and we are all learning new things. I am grateful that my family is safe, secure, and we are ok for the time being.
Through all of this I am still working on my masters degree in art. I am excited for the changes that I hope that degree will bring me. I am excited for new opportunities that will arise as I escape the corporate machine that has chewed me up and spit me out broken and feeling insane. My job is not a terrible job. It is just not what I love...and if there is anything that Covid 19 has taught me...its that its ok to change courses. Its ok to move forward in wanting to live a happy and fulfilled life. A scripture from the New Testament comes to mind. "Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they toil not, neither do they spin: And yet I say unto you, That even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these."
I think the most important thing about this blog is that it should be about my journey as an artist especially during this time. I am a visual artist and my growth should be shared. Welcome aboard this crazy train and thank you for coming with me from here.